I watch her throw the lego across the room back & forth, giggling along the way. She looks at me and my heart swells with pride. I see my little girl playing so innocently with her favourite pass time with not a care in the world. I’ve watched this scene played out many times in my life. I’ve felt my heart burst with pride that’s she’s mine. This little girl isn’t so little anymore. I really can’t believe, she’s now 19! Where has time gone?
Autism oh autism how it has robbed me of ever knowing my daughter any other way. We’ve never shared a secret, never had a heart to heart, never shared a tear that we both understood, never shared a joke, never had a gossip, never had an argument and we never will. That’s the reality of autism that I know & live with. It’s truly heart breaking and it doesn’t get any easier. No matter how you look at it, no matter how long you’ve been on your journey, you still have days when it’s destroys your soul, breaks you down, makes you cry and you spend the night awake thinking of the future, a future that you have no idea how bad or good will it get.
On this journey there’s no right or wrong way to parent your child. Every child with autism has different needs, different likes & different ways & routines of doing their own thing. Don’t feel guilty on this journey. Every day is a learning curve and you must remember that you too are on a journey. There’s no text book in this world that can predict that outcome. So enjoy it. Embrace it and learn about this new amazing world that is your life now. Share your passion and be your childs advocate. Only by raising awareness & acceptance will we change the way our children are accepted and loved.
I won’t ever stop fighting her corner. I won’t stop moving heaven & earth for her happiness. I’m her mum. One thing I’ve learnt and it’s took me a very long time to understand, is this: Yes she’s the number one priority in my life. That WILL NEVER EVER change, but I am allowed a night off. I’m allowed to be Pam and not just mum. I’m allowed to have time out and not feel guilty for doing so. So don’t forget this. As parents we do the world for our children but you’re human too. You too are a person. There’s no easy balance. There is no wrong or right answer on this journey. Don’t let autism take over your world, it might not ever leave your life but you’ll learn to make it work though the good & bad days. I did and still do.