If I am totally honest, I could cry my eyes out. She will be 19 soon. She should be out making her mark on the world. She should have been driving by now. She should be at university, telling me about her dramas instead she’s locked in a world that’s only hers. It’s never going to leave us. There is no cure.
Some days behind the smile, I’m falling apart. It kills me inside. Imagine never being able to have a proper conversation with your child? She can never tell me what’s on her mind or what’s bothering her. I know she’ll never fall in love , get married and have children. She’ll never experience the unconditional love I have for her. She’ll never drive. Never take a walk to the shops on her own. She’ll never venture into the world we live in! She’ll never experience the little things, butterfly’s in her stomach, her prom, her first date, her first girly holiday, her first job.. The list is endless.
Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through the endless torture of even thinking about it. I know it’s never going to change. I’m always going to have to hold her hand and guide her in every step she takes. Sometimes I think, when she asks for drink she will drink whatever I give her! It could be poison, yet my baby would still drink it, simply because she doesn’t understand. That thought always scares the life out of me. What if I wasn’t there to protect her? In my moments of pain, I want God to tell me that it’s ok. When I’m gone she’ll be ok. If that’s not possible I beg him to promise me we will both go together.
Some days my hurt is very deep. If only you could see inside my heart, it is so often full of despair. I will never ever give up on her. I shall do whatever I can so she too can experience life as we know it.
Being a parent of a autistic child can be compared to being stabbed over & over again. Yet you still find the will to carry on as your broken heart is of no significance. Keeping the smile on my beautiful daughters face is my number one priority.